Announcing the Birth of the Future of Beverages: Heartrape Edition

We here at timehealsallwoundsdotcom incorporated elelsee dot com consider ourselves to be on the cutting edge of merchandising. We have our metaphorical fingers on the literal pulse of the market. We know what humans want. Being on the cutting edge, we’re often the first or in some cases, second people to come up with a brand new idea that’s never been thought of before. We think the next big thing is going to be energy drinks. And so we are releasing our line of balls-to-the-wall-in-your-face-super-extreme-sympathomimetic liquids in a can, for the man, woman, child, or infant on the go.

Without further adieu, allow us (the royal we) to introduce you (the royal you) to CARDIOSTOMPER! registered trademark. As always, we are dedicated to truth in advertising. So we promise that this drink will make you jump faster, run higher, and jitter harder than any other substance on earth. Except meth. But we’re working on it. We would have made some graphs to demonstrate the superior energization blasted, but we were too busy winning at sports, serving haters on the dance floor, and staying up all night driving around town talking about how awesome we are for staying up all night.

CARDIOSTOMPER !! (Now with two exclamation points) is guaranteed to make you more successful in reality TV auditions, taste fucking great, and make you more attractive to members of the opposite sex. Again, being dedicated to truth in advertising, we must admit that it tastes like fermented horse piss mixed with grape cough syrup. Incidentally, these are two of the ingredients. But if you look at the list on the side of the can, they are like 48 ingredients down. So they’re only present in trace amounts. It’s an acquired taste. Some children will have trouble drinking an entire can without vomiting. But the active ingredients in this miracle juice can be passed through breast milk. So if you’re a new mom, slam a can before you feed that pudgy crying little ball of skin and eyeballs you call a baby. Not only will you have more energy and lactate more devastatingly, but your baby will sleep less and accomplish more. And since they won’t grow their baby teeth, you’ll never have to deal with that awkward “Ouch, you just bit my nipple” situation that so many other less informed mothers find themselves in. How will you know if your baby is getting enough dim-mak-in-a-can? Look for pupils the size of olives that don’t respond to light… or anything else for that matter. That’s when you know that you’ve maximized use of your infant’s brain’s CARDIOSTOMPER!! receptors.

For a limited time only CARDIOSTOMPER!!! (What!?!? Three fucking exclamation points!!!) is available in stores 2 cans for $7.99 US doll hairs. Just kidding. Dollars. You can’t afford not to buy these drinks. Sure, drinking just one has been shown to cause irreversible cardiovascular damage in 94% of test subjects. But that’s a small price to pay for energetic success and the ability to jump a dirtbike so high that when you land both of your femurs shoot through your pelvis and into your chest cavity causing further irreversible cardiovascular damage… AT NIGHT!!! Because when you have CARDIOSTOMPER!!! energy drinks in your system you can look up at the sun and confidently declare, “Fuck you sun, I’m ‘onna be up aaaaalllll night long.”

The good news is we live in a world, or at least a country where no one gives a shit about the actual cost of anything. Don’t worry, because the true cost of all the energy drinks you guzzle down your sloppy throat can just be charged to the game… when you develop some kind of congestive heart failure at the age of like 38 and linger in the hospital connected to all manner of tubes and machines that will keep you alive. They might even give you a bionic heart. Way better than this crappy analog heart most of us have stuck in our chests. Don’t worry, you won’t need the sun then either. The fluorescent lights of the care home will keep you up “aaaaalllll night long.”

Geez. This advertisement turned into a real bummer. Seriously, though, go buy some CARDIOSTOMPER!! (Dialed it back to two exclamation points because my neighbors were complaining about how loudly I was typing when we were at level three) and support this innovative, never before thought of idea. This might be the answer to our dwindling economy. Everyone can work like 20 hours a day. The plumbing industry will flourish. Most household pipes aren’t ready to handle the intensity of the nuclear urine that will pass through them. And most importantly, your heart will thank you. In a twangy, metallic, robot voice.

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