"Auto"biography of Self Written in the Third Person Omnitense
Colten Smith cemented his place in the world of tattoo by getting sent to the principals office in the 1st grade at the behest of his caring and concerned teacher, Mrs. Garvin. His crime: possession and use of a stick on tattoo. Once in the office he gave the principal a lecture on the progression of discriminatory policies in the educational environment and the legislation being considered over the next 20 years to oppose such policies. He was overheard saying, “If it wasn't 1989, I would be suing the pants off this place. But it is. So I'll go home and try to wash this off.” He then led an uneventful life until he disappeared into outer Siberia while trying to escape a Soviet work camp at an unknown date. Everyone is sure that he ' s dead.
Colten was born in 1982 to two parents who have asked to remain unnamed. Upon entering the modern world, he looked around, and unimpressed, immediately departed for a more postmodern one. His parents, “mom” and “dad,” as they insisted on being called, didn't seem to notice. But they did get him swimming lessons anyway; swimming lessons which proved very useful in what would come to be known as The Bullards Bar Buoyancy Catastrophe. The BBBC turned out to be an annual event, held at the end of every summer for the rest of his life. Colten has been unable to attend every single one since the inauguration. But he hears that the chili dogs are to die for.
A lifelong pursuer of the answers to the intrinsic questions and mysteries of life, Colten's greatest revelation came while he was slouched down in the couch watching a TV show, which due to our lawyers urging, we will not name. But the revelation unfolded like this: everything suddenly became clear to him when a yellow, fat, nuclear power plant employee named Homer, caught in the grips of a (medicinal) marijuana trip posed the question, “Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not touch it.” Colten hasn ' t been the same since. And microwave burritos have become somewhat of a mystery to him.
His mother and aunt forbade him to shave his hair adding, “You would look like a Q-tip.” Even though he was only 9 he considered this an assault on his character and so at 23, for the sake of rebellion, he got a mohawk. He also hasn't used a Q-tip since and remains weary of the illicit conspiratory stylings of his mom and any of his aunts. This takes a lot of time. There are a lot of aunts. His ability to hold grudges has been described by such nation shaping figures as Israel Bissel as, “Epic. Simply epic.” Israel then took his place in history as the true, but rarely recognized, Paul Revere.
There were several other revelations during his short, but tragically long life. One day it occurred to him that he needed to take better notes. Then there was the one when he realized that his life was following an incredibly average and ineffectual path and decided instead to live a stolen one. This led to several attempts at a brain transplant or a body transplant depending on your philosophical stance with regard to personal identity. Unfortunately, all attempts at surgical-life-course-altering procedures failed before they even began so he settled for a face lift breast implants. This turned out to alter the course of his life even though it is usually billed as a purely cosmetic procedure. He now lives in the South of Spain with his amazing shoe collection where he studies movies and song lyrics, searching for new experiences that he can claim to have had himself.
His birth was completely uneventful except for the presence of one of 17th century Britain 's pre-eminent philosophers, John Locke. Immediately after Colten's feet first breach birth was came to a conclusion, John commented, “Look at that. Another Tabula Rasa. Except for that gross thing hanging out of his nose… And he appears to have a case of Trichotillomania. It'll grow back, though.” Colten then tried to convince his mom to shave his head after about 9 years and he finally figured out who John Locke was the day before his 36th birthday and for some reason felt an intense sensation of sour in his bones..
One of our tragic hero's favorite past times is coining phrases. Although none of his expressions have ever been sanctioned by common usage in any caste of society, he still considers his phrase coining efforts successful to abysmal depending on which day you ask. The most successful term he ever coined was Tamiasciurus hudsonicusaphiliac. It would have been an international hit except that it was overshadowed by the emergence of a new phrase brought to light by his nemesis Jameson Rodriquez XVI. His marketing of a simpler version of Colten's term proved more effective, and the term “squirrel fucker” attained common usage by the masses. Disheartened by this, Colten would spend the remainder of his lingual dabbling, bitter and decrepit, in search of a more perfect linguistic paradox.
Losing three fingers in a Saw accident proved to be a very difficult, but ultimately surmountable challenge in his life. The adversity he faced would end up shaping his character well into his seventies, at which point he simply decided to forget everything he ever knew in an ill-fated attempt at humor. This act ended up providing him with solid answers to his questions about the philosophy of personal identity. Unfortunately, he no longer had the mental faculties necessary to realize this. ****For statistical reasons and due to lobby pressure from international saw manufacturers in Washington the author(s) is/are required to elaborate on the nature of this Saw accident. It was an accident that occurred during a viewing of the film Saw that caused the finger injuries suffered by Colten Smith, not a literal saw. He was watching the film and one of his dogs started peeing on the floor. He got up and let the animal outside as any responsible and vigilant pet owner would. But fixated on the incessant and gratuitous gore showcased in the film, he was unable to focus completely on the act of shutting the sliding glass door. He closed it on his own hand. Left untreated, the fingers became gangrenous and had to be amputated. ****
Speaking of revelations, Colten once saw a sculpture called Kryptos. He claims to this day that the sculpture spoke to him. At the same time, he admits to the possibility that it may have been your everyday, run of the mill psychosomatic auditory hallucinations. This ability to recognize two possibilities at once is a symptom (or sign) of his Disassociative Identity Disorder. Certified medical professionals diagnosed that condition and are offering a scientifically solid and practically disprovable diagnosis for the cause of the hallucinations. Despite what Colten has, is and will maintain, the hallucinations are a symptom of Advanced Syphilitic Psychosis. This is a condition that developed, ironically, from activities related to Tamiasciurus Hudsonicusaphilia. Whatever that is. Regardless of the cause of the hallucinations, the event impressed upon him a desire to pursue an interest, at least recreationally, in the field of cryptography. This was fueled by the fact that he claims to this day, that the sculpture spoke in code and told him (also in code) that if he didn't break the code he would always feel like he was covered in a thin layer of feta cheese. He claims that the reason he understood the feta thing is because he could read the sculpture's body language. He is a deadly accurate judge of human nature. He considered this body language perception a sign from God that he had a gift and it should not be wasted. He was charged with a holy quest to crack codes. He then spent 6 years doing word search puzzles before he realized that this was not in fact, cryptography. To save face, he claimed that the puzzles were preparation and training and then compared himself to Sylvester Stallone in Rocky V, just in case people weren't already sure that he was nuts. He reasoned that if training with an ox yoke could help Rocky defeat Drago then word search would do the same for him. Unnecessarily, he went on to explain that Drago was a metaphor for the codes. Everyone immediately stopped listening.
At his second funeral, this one from complications due to a botched microsurgical digit reattachment surgery, Dave Coulier from Full House was in attendance. This was only because during the span of his entire life, Colten was never able to raise the $5,000 necessary for a John Stamos funeral appearance. Uncle Joey seemed to suffice. He was survived by his two 47 people year old pit bulls, a conglomeration of shower mold, and his thought crimes which, thanks to the theories of quantum mechanics, could never be created nor destroyed, only transferred. He left behind a life of disjointed inconsistencies, other people's stories, utter confusion, and a tasty new variation on the traditional recipe for chicken tortilla soup.
His recreational obsession with cryptography will eventually cause Colten to join a cult. It will be the Masgam Regnad Rehctelf Cult in Encinitas, Ca. His association with this cult would be what caused him to discover that:
OLRU VMZD DEJI WHWL VXNN VDDS MITA TDAD MXUE PAOI JRFP WBGI XFHZ KEYA IMZP QROA IXAE YSNT JVLE POMD ZVGO RRZS YVIE VHZI JXRG TIOY JINN GGME AMBU UAYM DRVS VRVT DSAT JENE QINL KNBO AXUE KDZN OMGY QFYE ZTGH TOVT REFR GRJR OIQO XEMA IHBV GRON NXRA FOAE QIAM GNOI JRVN ITOI NJNC VTCE MYFS KAIA IHPH KNZS ZKBV GRIM ZRTB GGVN ESVN VMDL DXNR AESE MGVS GSVN YTEO OINE YXBD GVZL JHNN GWRO MPQO TDZR
****The previous section of the passage was encrypted by order of the same people who brought you such great American hits as The Patriot Act, Patriot Fries, and illegal but somehow legal NSA wiretapping, as well as no bid defense contracts for companies whose names rhymes with things like Schmalliburton. ****
The singular driving force behind all of Colten's many accomplishments is his compulsion to finish anything he starts in one day. He pays no attention to quality of work and it doesn't bother him if the job isn't actually finished. What matters is that somehow, someway, even by virtue of logical fallacies, he can rationalize that the job is done. One of the tactics he commonly employs to this end is the destruction of the subject of the job, while claiming that it was his original intention. An generic example of this is if he were washing a truck and the sun was setting, he would probably light the gas tank on fire and swear up and down that he wanted to see a truck explode, not wash one. Another one of his methods is the killing of witnesses who might be able to claim that the job was in fact, not finished. Pretty straightforward. Other than that, he has devoted his entire life to fighting crime and his parents couldn't be more indifferent about it. But not downloading music. He only fights real crimes like double parking. Colten eventually finds spiritual illumination while meditating under a Bodhi tree several thousand years ago.
venacavatheta
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