We’re Still in a Recession… Seriously?

According to news reports and my high school economics teacher, the U.S. economy is a living, breathing complex organism far beyond the understanding of a person with my meager intellectual endowments.  I believed them.  It made sense.  So you can imagine my surprise when I solved the economic crisis three nights ago while ordering a quesadilla in a drive thru.  I would have posted this sooner, ending the sorrows of millions of Americans, but I had to mail a letter and after that ordeal I needed a few days R&R.

Frankly, I can’t believe Alan Greenspan or Donald Rumsfeld or whoever is in charge of wrecking the system of capitalism upon which all healthy greed is founded has been thinking.  They must have had their heads up their own or someone else’s ass for like 5 years now.  I know that’s a serious indictment, assheadery, and I think it’s actually a felony in Utah.  But the answer to this whole crisis is so simple that even if they were sitting in front of the TV watching reruns of What’s Happening while knitting each other taint scarves, they still would have accidentally figured this out.  The logic is simple.  It only takes a few questions with a few very obvious answers and voila, we’re back to the days of ridiculous levels of expendable income, 0% unemployment, and -26% homelessness, just the way our forefathers had intended.  There would still be a 94% corporate crime rate.  But without that, it just wouldn’t feel like America.  For the sake of clarity, I’ve arranged the questions and answers into a dialogue format.

Person A:  What is the problem Person B?
Person B:  We’re in a recession.

Person A:  How can we fix that?
Person B:  By making the economy recession proof?

Person A:  Do you know of any recession proof businesses?
Person B:  Yes

At this point Person A begins smirking as they watch Person B have an epiphany right before their very eyes.  Think how proud a parent is when they see their child take it’s first steps.  Now multiply that by 30.  The rest of the questions are almost rhetorical, but they go through the motions anyway.

Person A:  What businesses?
Person B:  Adalberto’s

Person A:  So what now?  Come on, I know you know this.

Then nodding their heads with each word, they say in unison, “To solve the problems of the down turned economy for good, there’s only one logical course of action.  We need to turn each and every business into an Adalberto’s and then sit back and watch as the rest of the world sucks our GDP.”

Person A and Person B have officially saved the world.  And the best part of this plan is that it’s practical, easy to implement, and the only thing we need to do as a nation is increase production of C-grade beef.  The plans the Obama administration have put into place are complicated, ineffective, and most of all, boring.  But the Economic Adalberto’s Rescue Plan, or EARP, is simple, effective, exciting, and named after a hero of the Wild West and one of the original inventors of the carne asada burrito with just meat cheese and sour cream.  No pico.  To literally illustrate how simple, effective, and exciting the plan is, look at the following photos.  First we have a failing U.S. megacorp.

This headquarters is in Hong Kong, but the plan is so good that it doesn’t matter

With nothing more than a little paint and a delivery of meat, tortillas, and horchata, we have turned it into a recession proof business with a 24 hr drive thru and a never ending stream of customers and therefore revenue.  Now they can continue to fly in private planes for bailout talks.  Not that there will ever again be bailout talks.

At the Hong Kong location, a California Burrito is called a Kwun Tong Municipality Burrito.
But it still comes with papas fritas in it.  No pico please.
I know what you’re thinking.  But you’re wrong.  This was exciting, just like the plan promised.  However, for the purists and adrenaline junkies out there, we at the EARP Agency of Social Sanctions may have one or two more tricks up our sleeves for all the holdouts and naysayers and player haters who might be all like, “But I thought there was gonna be more excitement.”  And here’s that:
That’s right you whiny bitches, those are fireworks, in the daytime, dangerously close to that building.

And just to show that it wasn’t a fluke, that the people at EARP ASS didn’t only save AIG, they have the following live images to present.  The third photo in the following series isn’t actually appropriate for children.  And since both myself and EARP ASS are family organizations, we won’t show the image.  But here’s a hint to help you imagine how much excitement there is.  There are three strippers, a ring-tailed lemur, 4 grams of a nondescript white substance, a toilet seat, someone’s baby, and a bowl of Saturday Special Menudo.  If that doesn’t spell “sticking to the economic rescue and financial plan we promised” I don’t know what does.
Before.  A horrendous blemish on the otherwise flawless complexion of US finance.
And after.  Notice the new Camaron Burrito on the menu, but
never forget the classics like 6 rolled tacos with guacamole. 

The absolute best part of this plan is seamless integration, and probably synergy even though I don’t really know what that word means.  Everyone from the CEOs on down can keep their job titles as long as they add burrito folding to their list of duties.  Soon all businesses will be Adalberto’s, the US economy will be the shining beacon of productive light it once was, and I will no longer have to drive two grueling, arduous miles to get to my choice of 4 equidistant burrito shops.  Because for this plan to work, all businesses have to be Adalberto’s.  Even the lemonade stand run by kindergartners at the end of my street.
And since now I will have absolutely no reason to drive my car, the environment should be pretty much saved as well.

posted: 10 January 7
under: posted